MY FIRST SELF-EXPERIMENT

...Marijuana, Paranoia, and My Month Long Effort

I was paranoid when I first started getting high smoking pot, but afterward I couldn't remember why. So I sat by myself, got high and sat though it doing nothing else. Afterward I tried to remember what the paranoia was about. I did this once a day, everyday, remembering a little more each time. After about a month, this is verbatum what I wrote down. circa ~1975

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When I get high, I begin to wonder if, when i am straight, I correctly judge the overall atmosphere of any particular situation. I feel that the accumulation of all my experiences act as a reflex in situations and I participate with an attitude I have previously developed and stored away to be called on instinctively in a particular, and probably somewhat similar, situation. This could cause a stagnation of thought, never developing (any) new thoughts on how to accept or feel about people and how to act and react to them. This in turn seems to be leading to not accepting people at all, just 'putting up' with them, in the sense that I develop no 'description' of the person in my mind, I merely acknowledge their existence.

part 2

I feel that I try to understand how people feel by trying to place myself in the situation they are describing (I try to find a time I might have gone through the same experience). This causes several problems. If I am incapable of empathizing" with them, then I am in a sense foreign to the situation and I become unable to get a real feel for the problem (it need not necessarily be a problem, a simple description of an experience brings rise to the same situation). So consequently I just sit there and nod my head once in awhile to act as though it really is sinking in (more to go here)

On the other hand, if I can come up with a similar experience in my past, then I am, instead of gaining insight by seeing a similar experience through their eyes, simply reliving an old experience.

part 3

What is happiness? When is someone satisfied with themself? I think before I grow up, I must come to realize what it is that, with out the affliction of society’s 'the way you should be”, fulfills *my* desires and needs. Not to just pick from the choices offered (i.e. Marriage, what type of work, etc, as opposed to choosing or finding a work you're happy with) but to react and act according to what you *want* to do.

I wonder if I would find happiness sitting somewhere, painting or whittling, or if its behind a scalpel helping others. I think selfishness and sacrifice must tie in here. Maybe not though. If happiness (fulfillment) *is* the real goal, and it *can* be distinguished, truthfully from ones own "pseudo happinesses" then one involvement should stand out from another as the 'fulfiller'.

Question: Do enough people exist who find happiness in dealing and helping people to justify a solitary life? (i.e. if everyone were to shed societies pressures to conform (work at any job for a living, happy or not) would enough people choose the path of helping other people to get by?) So we're back to where we started from . Is sacrifice a necessary evil to exist in a society? Are the people who exist as solitaries and yet rely on society for some basic needs, leeching off others, in that they failed to realize the sacrifice necessary? Shirking their responsibility to sacrifice?

part 4

I now am capable of choosing my own life, my own direction, should it be continue with school, finding a wife or going off on my own to find what it is which satisfies me ( or going off to realize it). The only trouble is that this is big time. I really shouldn't just take off to fine something better. I should be certain of what I need before I take such a big step. Or should I? Should I find out what I want before I go any farther, or should I play it safe and get my degree so I have “something to fall back on" or show for myself. This all seems to be leading to going out to find my niche, but I am reserved. I feel as though I should find myself first. I don't necessarily have to be happy doing what I am, but I should be happy how I am doing it. (esp. along the lines of self control and RESPONSIBILITY!!)